OTC Euphemisms and Lies

As part of getting ready for surgery I was required to do a couple of unpleasant things … with a couple of products of a medical nature … which are available over the counter.

And in the process, I mastered the art of decoding the clever marketing phrases used on the packaging of such items.

Now that I am so blessed as to be the keeper of such valuable and carefully guarded secret knowledge, I feel compelled to spread those secrets far and wide so that you, my friends, will not be deceived by the Madison Avenue medical OTC product marketing geniuses.

Let me give you a comprehensive review of frequently used phrases, which seem pretty reassuring but are nothing more than a poorly disguised collection of euphemisms and lies.

SAFE - The actual meaning of this word, in the context of OTC products, is that you will not die. You will feel like you are going to die. You might even feel bad enough that you will momentarily want to die. But don't bother updating your last will and testament, because you will not die.

GENTLE - This words translates to go get a hat and hold onto that sucker, because this is really going to work. As in work you over. Remember Mohammad Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle? First the medication will be like Ali and you will be like George Foreman. Remember how Ali pummeled Foreman nine times in the first round? Well, get ready for a pummeling, my friend. OK, ready to change roles now? Good! Because next you get to be Ali. But don't go getting all happy on me because it is not a good thing. Remember the "rope-a-dope" in later rounds, when Ali retreated to the ropes, allowing Foreman to throw punches until he used up all of his energy? Yes, that will be you. The best you can do is cover up and hope to outlast this opponent.

EFFECTIVE - This is not so much an outright lie as an understatement of fact. Think "gentle" was bad? As we say here in the South, you ain't seen nothing yet. When you see this word, fall on your knees and thank God almighty that they didn't need to give you the prescription strength version of the same medication. In the immortal words of Bette Davis, "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!"

SOFT - This is an outright lie. Do not believe this word. I have felt soft. I am a big fan of soft. I love my cashmere sweaters and my high thread count sheets. I know soft. Puppies are soft. But the medical product marketing guys apparently define soft as being not made of diamond. Which means granite, steel, iron, titanium, and a variety of carbide substances all qualify as soft.

FLEXIBLE - Really? Double jointed people are flexible. Those tiny little girls on the Chinese Olympic gymnastics team were flexible. But this term, as it applies to a specific feature of a medical product I hope you never are required to use, is more like the flexible nature of a pine tree trunk in a hurricane. You will be sincerely hoping this thing doesn't break off before it reaches its destination and performs its assigned duty.

COMFORTIP - I know. First, just the sound of this word scares the crap out of you, doesn't it? Well, it should. And trust me on this, it would be so much easier if it did! Second, this is not a real word. It is a word that those evil, lying, marketing super villains made up to convince you that it isn't going to be all that bad. Well, I hate to tell you, but it is going to be all that bad. The "comfortip" is only slightly less sharp than a 10 penny nail. A 10 penny nail being driven in by a sledgehammer. A sledgehammer being wielded by a 350 pound corn fed lumberjack. You know, a real, live jive, red plaid flannel shirt wearing, Brawny paper towel selling, Paul Bunyan kind of guy. With an attitude.

In conclusion, let the buyer beware. As in be very wary….no, wait…….be downright skeptical when reading the reassuring words used on the packaging of over the counter medical products. In fact, don't believe them at all. Because the Madison Avenue marketing guys keep a fire extinguisher handy at all times to extinguish their pants, which are continuously exploding in flames. I promise you, they could all easily pass the admission exams for hell.

And my best advice for all of you, because I do love you so, is to eat your vegetables, exercise on a regular basis, and don't drink or smoke or whatever to excess. Seriously, do your best to stay healthy. Because I don't want you beautiful people to endure the safe, gentle, effective, and/or the soft, flexible, comfortip experience(s) first hand.